Faith Rehab

I have a dirty little secret...you ready? I have a faith issue, I bet you're surprised right? Yea I know, not Anthea the Pastor's daughter, the church girl, the praise team leader, the advice giver, etc. But its true, my faith issues are pretty bad. I'm not sure when it started or where it came from all I know is that when things are out of my control and I have to let go and have faith that it will "all work out for my good," *cue the church  organ music* I'm a hot mess of anxiety and doubt.

Over the past few years, as I’ve settled into my thirties, life seems to have opened the flood gates to a number of lessons and realities. With each of these hardships or challenges I’ve overcome, I’ve taken with me a lesson of new wisdom, deeper compassion, self-awareness, humility, and empathy for others.

On that same note, I have also noticed that with each experience, I seem to begin treading more carefully in my approach to future situations, treating them with caution; unconsciously trying to protect myself or others from perceived disappointment or hurt.

In reflecting on this past year, I've witnessed that the only true 100 percent guarantees we can expect are that our surroundings, feelings, emotions, comfort zones, people, and material possessions will always endure change.

Recently I was reminded that faith is like a muscle - if it is not used, it will atrophy. 

I spend time every week exercising certain muscles that I want to develop. When I haven’t worked out for a week I can definitely feel the difference. Similarly, if a week goes by without exercising faith, you will notice the difference. The longer you go without using faith, the greater the danger that you will forget how to use faith altogether.

If you are as accident as prone as I am and have ever broken a major appendage and were unable to use it for a time, you know that you need to work hard to rebuild it once it has been weakened by prolonged inactivity. The physiotherapist will work with you to rebuild what has been lost through lack of use. So, faith is like a muscle and needs to be exercised.

Recently, I was listing the reasons why I didn't believe something would happen for me and the person I was talking to asked me, “Where is your faith?” I couldn't respond. Their next statement to me was, "then its not being exercised."

I'm steadily being reminded that what is meant for me won't pass me by. Now it may not look like how I envisioned it or how I want it, but I am trying hard to believe that it will be the best thing for me and right on time. 

I'm in faith rehab and I am determined to continue to exercise my faith until I can answer the question "Where is your faith?" and be satisfied with my answer.

 “If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” ~Wayne Dyer

Unconditional Love...Its Possible

Last night I was scrolling through Facebook and came across this video posted by HuffPost Black Voices about an inspirational quote that changed the course of actress Tracee Ellis Ross' life. I love a good quote so I had to press play, it was:

"Right now can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself, just at the height you are, the weight you are, with the intelligence that you have and your current burden of pain, can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that." ~Pema Chodron  (Link to video: HuffPost Black Voices )

This quote forced me to really question the type of love I have for myself...so often I think, how can I be something other than I am? Instead of really loving and appreciating the person I am today, right in this moment.

Self-acceptance and self-love has been an ongoing struggle in my life. It is a battle that I fight to overcome on a daily basis. I believe what prevents me from conquering that battle is my lack of self-compassion. We are our own worst critics! We need to recognize that given our defenses, blind spots, insecurities, and that harmful things you may have been exposed to, you really are doing the best you can- and have been all along. Also we need to stop evaluating ourselves according to standards that don't really fit you are, or what you can realistically expect of yourself.

I have learned that once you succeed in accepting yourself more-in simply coming to appreciate who you are and who you are not- the self-judgement barriers that have prevented you from loving yourself other than conditionally begin to gradually fall away. Its in this much more kind-hearted and understanding self-recognition that lies the path not just to unconditional self-acceptance nut also to unconditional self-love.

I know from my own personal experience that unconditional love is an everyday battle, but its worth it. When you start to believe and know you deserve it the feelings will come easier. Just as in any type of relationship you have to put in the work or it will become stagnant. Once you start waking up everyday deciding that you're going to do whatever it takes to make my relationship with myself work, because it is important. It matters enough to me to work at it everyday. That does not mean I win everyday.

Loving yourself begins with accepting yourself right now. We must look at every vestige of limitation as a creation of past thoughts and feelings.Whether it is a personal weight problem, inflated ego, mistaken activities, or engaging in events we would rather forget, we can release all of them. 

No one can do it for you. Unconditionally loving yourself is a personal commitment and a lifelong journey. Believe in yourself enough to listen to your inner wisdom. Know what you know and be who you are.

Be patient with the process. Sometimes small shifts happen over time. Allowing your own process to unfold over time is an act of love in itself. 

We are all human, and we all deserve love. Today, do yourself a favor and start with yourself...unconditionally.

You are enough...Period.

You are enough....

The words are simple enough, but the meaning is very regularly lost.

Maybe not lost, but dismissed. Tossed aside. Neglected. I think we are all familiar with these words, but if you are anything like me, you see them for a brief moment before snatching them off their shiny, fluffy clouds, crumpling them and shoving them under a rock while looking around to see if anyone is watching.

I am not patient enough. I am not smart enough. I am not strong enough.

The enough trap. This trap is an ugly, painful cycle that can easily ensnare us. In a world that keeps telling us there is always more, nicer, bigger, better, it can be hard to feel like we are enough. We are constantly comparing and never satisfied.

I like to play ignorant of the fact that I am enough because accepting that fact is HARD. It is easier to internalize the criticisms, compare out, and constantly try to jump to a ledge that is always just a little out of reach. How does that make sense? I'll just pretend I didn't know about it and then no one can challenge the fact that I haven't been accepting it.

There are days when I get it and days when I don't. Writing about things is a wonderful way for me to process them. A way for me to think out loud. That being said, when I write posts like these they are often when I am in the middle or just on the cusp of internalizing an important message or principle. I'd rather write about them now than when I have it all "figured out" because I think writing in the middle is more authentic. Granted, I may seem more scattered, but aren't we all?

No matter how hard we try, how much we work, or how much we have, we can become victim to a vicious cycle of striving an never feeling like enough. I have my days that no matter how much I have tried and how much I have done, I still feel inadequate and defeated.

When we are so hard on ourselves and think we cannot measure up to what we think God expects of us, it can be hard to accept the fact that He loves us just the way we are.

SO, coupled with the information I know to be inherently true and the fact that we are often far more compassionate with others than we are with ourselves, I have a few things to share with you...I venture that if there actually were a handbook issued at birth, t might go like this:

1. You are a miracle. Never forgot this fact. Just the science alone is mind blowing.

2. You are unique. No one will ever be as good at being you as you are. Seriously.

3. You are enough. Always. Never doubt this. There is nothing to add, but feel free to expand.

4. There is always, always, more to learn, but that is not failure it is a gift. It can be fun too.

5. Every obstacle is an opportunity to fall further into the miracle that is you.

6. Commit to being the best version of your ever day. Re-calibrate definition of "best" as needed.

7. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive every which way. Forgive him. Forgive her. Most of all forgive you

8. Compassion is the key to forgiveness. Compassion means you feel the humanity in others.

9. The more you forgive, the more you'll enjoy being you, because the lighter your load will be.

10. In the end, as in the beginning: YOU. ARE. Amazing.


I have a spent a lot of time trying to be what I thought others and the world wanted me to be. It has been one of the most tiring existences. I'm not sure where I got my concept of what the world wanted me to be, because when I actually realized what that was, it had nothing to do with what my brain told me.

The more that I speak from the heart and take the time to nurture the things that make me unique, the more receptive I find the world to be. Being myself requires far less work and because of that I am able to invest more time in developing who I am. Finding a voice. Changing the world...or at least my little corner of the world.

Won't you join me?

33 Things About Me on my 33rd Birthday...

So I decided to share a little about myself for my birthday this year...so here are a few things about me that you may or may not already know...happy reading!!

Some of my favorite quotes/scriptures that have gotten me through:

1) "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

2) "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never   forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

3) "Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith." ~ Steve Jobs

4) The older I get, the more I value kindness above all else. There is a Plato quote I have tried to live by for years: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle."

5) "Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." ~ Bob Marley

6) "Remember who you are and Whose you are." ~  My Mother

7) "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

8) "For I am convinced that neither death not life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

9) "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." ~Maya Angelou

10) "Where there is no struggle, there is no strength." ~ Oprah Winfrey

Some things I've learned along the way:

11) Be nice. The world is a small town.

12) A broken heart hurts worse than a broken bone. And you will survive both....I promise.

13) Everyone is worse than you and better than you in some way. You can learn something from everyone.

14) Sometimes it's just your turn to be that girl/guy. Laugh it off!

15) The only real things in life are attitude and perspective. The same thing can happen to multiple people but its's each of their attitude and perspective that changes the impact, effect and aftermath.

16) You cannot control anybody else's action. You can only control your response to them.

17) A delay is not a denial.

18) Often, when you think someone has an issue with you, or you are wondering what you did wrong, it's really about them and has nothing to do with you.

19) Common sense is not common.

20) When I've been in overwhelming, upsetting or emotionally draining situations and feel like I'm drowning, I find it helps to connect with people outside of the situation (friends I haven't seen in a long time for example). I am reminded that although what I'm dealing with seems enormous, it only impacts me, and I'll get through it. There's more to life than solely what's happening to me at that moment.

21) Love is a decision, not a feeling.

Some people I am grateful for:

22) My parents - My E-very-thing! Without you I would be nothing! You have allowed me to grow at my own pace and have been there to pick me and put me back together every step of the way. Your unconditional love for Michael and I is overwhelming. You have sacrificed and given so much of yourselves to ensure that we succeed, we have no choice but to do just that!

23) My brother- My Heart. You know me better than I know myself and you remind me of that as often as you can, lol. Your amazing ability to always tell me like it is regardless if I want to hear it or not keeps me grounded. You inspire me so much with your drive and focus, once you go for something you always seem to get it or something better. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for you in all of your future endeavors. I want to be like you when I grow up!! Love you snookums!!

24) My Friends - You know who you are: those people who I can text in the middle of a meltdown for consoling, who always make me laugh even when I don't want to, who remind me of how far I've come, and those of you who check me when I an swerving out of my lane...I adore you all! They say friends are the family you get to choose and I thank God for blessing me with such amazing family.

25) Associates- We may not be the closest, but just knowing some of you has made a a big impression in my life. Thank God for social media keeping us all connected and able to sneak a peek into each other's life every now and then.

26) Evidence of God's Hand in my life- God has turned every test I have had to face into a testimony. I can write on an on about what He has brought me through to become the woman I am today. One of my favorite sayings is, "...But God," because with Him I know that all things are possible. He may take us through some valleys along the way, but its all for a purpose...He's preparing you for greatness...step into it...claim it...it's yours!

Goals/Promises to Myself:

27) People will come and go in life, but the person in the mirror will be there forever so Be Good to Yourself. 

28) Travel more...I recently renewed my passport and I intend to fill it up with stamps...we got to see some world ya'll.

29) Let go! So simple, but soooo hard for me sometimes.

30) Pay it forward...whether it be through participating in charitable events, mentoring, or just being a listening ear for someone who needs it.

My Hopes and Prayers:

31) In the words of the late Maya Angelou "My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

32) I thank God everyday for my family, my health, my trials, my success, my tears, my laughter. Everything which make me and matures me.

33) I pray that we all make it some way, somehow! I pray that God will provide every need for each and everyone of you and that you will always find a reason to smile. Life is not easy, but stay patient and trust your journey!

.....That's it!

Thanks for reading! (Much Love to all of you that made it to the end! Lol :-)

Love,

Me xoxo

Stop Settling for Less, You Deserve More!

It's easy to convince ourselves that we should keep our expectations and standards low to avoid getting hurt or let down. Settling for less, denying ourselves, or putting things off for later is something we do far too often. We settle for less far more than most of us realize, on a daily basis.

We might think it's no big deal, or that we're just being humble or modest or that we're being a little lazy. Perhaps. But when we do it too often or with regard to things that matter too much (love life, physical health, self image, and more), the bottom line is that we don't think we deserve it. That we aren't worth the extra work. That we are being selfish, picky, or demanding if we elect to ask more of ourselves and FOR ourselves.

I've gone through waves of settling for less in my life that almost make me cringe to this day.(I say almost because I was doing the best I could at the time.) My worst (best?) example is my last relationship. That was settling in a BIG way. I was extremely unhappy, but figured that was life, or at least the life I deserved. Crazy right? I had not yet learned how to be true to my heart or be independent/self-reliant--but that's another story.

Of all the difficult experiences that individuals face in life, being alone can be among the hardest. Growing up, you probably weren't given good examples of how to be alone. It seems like everything you see in movies and TV and on the internet is about how to find the right partner and make it work. There’s nothing wrong with seeking love, because it’s beautiful and can bring about some of the most treasured moments in our lives. But very few people know how to be alone and do it well. They aren't happy to be alone. They fear it and seek love wherever they go. Too often the pleasure they find in falling in love is the sweet release of no longer being by themselves in the world.

I'll share another example. In my late 20s I was very overweight, isolated, depressed and totally out of touch with my needs, wants, and identity. I wore clothes that were more appropriate for someone much older and frumpier than me. Deep down, I thought that was all I deserved. That it didn't matter, that I didn't matter. I was a passive bystander in my own life. I had not yet realized that I had a choice about most everything in my world. 

It often feels easier to settle than to fight for what you want, but in the long run it’s much more work. To not fully express who you are and to deny yourself your birthright to choose to be happy and to have fun, is ultimately a draining and depressing influence on your life.

We slip into these patterns sometimes, but be aware of when you're consciously tempted to settle, to slide into “this is good enough” mode. Keep giving yourself the time and energy to be your best. Yes, it takes energy, and it takes faith, but ultimately the more you live with that energy and attitude, the more joy and energy it gives you back. You deserve and ARE better than that!

Pay attention to your thoughts and to that little sad feeling or twinge in your heart when you deny yourself things that matter to you. A thousand of those little stings add up to make an unfulfilled and lonelier life than any of us deserve when happiness and joy is right there for the taking. Don't put off your dreams for later. 

Remember, it’s not about a number or anything so rigid - be kind to yourself. It’s about how you feel. Be dead honest with yourself and your internal compass will steer you straight. Accept yourself and keep pushing yourself to be your best you WHILE loving yourself (no conditional love allowed: "I'll love me when I lose 20 pounds" - no, boo boo, that is not how it works). Find love in your heart for yourself as you are right now and you will find the inner strength and belief that can move mountains.

Now go do something nice for yourself, you deserve it! And as always Be Good to Yourself (BGTY)!

Mostly, you gain strength when you learn to listen to your own voice and live life on your own terms.” 

~Sara Eckel

Foreboding Joy

"Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience, and if we cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing for tragedy. When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding." When I heard Dr. Brene Brown say this on Oprah's Lifeclass I had an epiphany.

What we do in moments of joyfulness is we try to beat vulnerability to the punch, 'dress rehearse for tragedy.' This is my biggest character flaw, I tend to downplay anything good that happens to me because I am terrified that the other shoe is going to drop and this 'joy' will be be taken away. The second I start feeling joy, instead of relishing the blessings, I start analyzing the reasons why this joy won't last. It's like, by trying to imagine the worst case scenarios, I think I am going to protect myself from what I fear most. But vulnerability is not a weakness, in fact it can turn out to be our greatest strength. But instead of being vulnerable we put up emotional shields to protect ourselves.

Dress rehearsing for tragedy is imagining something bad is gonna happen when in reality, nothing is wrong. Dr. Brown also shared this: "How many of you have ever stood over your child while they're sleeping and thought, 'Oh my God I love you' --- and then pictured something horrific happening? Or woke up in the morning and thought, Oh my gosh, job's going great, parents are good....this can't last. Instead of using joy as a warning to practicing disaster, use it as a reminder to practice gratitude."

Truth is, it doesn't work. If we lose a loved one, get fired from our job or fall into financial distress, no dress rehearsal will protect you from the reality of loss and pain. And in the interim, you've missed your chance at real, uninhibited joy.

Truly joyful people do not allow fear to take away from fully experiencing joy. Instead of dress rehearsing for tragedy they say I am going to practice gratitude. Gratitude is a practice...it is tangible! Go get it!!

"To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in life that doesn't come with guarantees -- these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I'm learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace." 

~ Dr. Brene Brown

P.S. I have been writing this post for two weeks...glad that I am finally in the right space to post it. Thanks for reading!

Love the Skin You're In

During this award season the beautiful and talented Lupita Nyong'o has taken Hollywood by storm. She has won award after award for her profound performance in 12 Years A Slave. During the whirlwind of acceptance speeches she gave, one stuck out to me in particular and inspired me to write this post. At the 7th Annual Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon , she was honored with the Best Breakthrough Performance Award.

She said:

 "....my mother would say to me, 'You can't eat beauty. It doesn't feed you.' And these words plagued      and bothered me; I didn't really understand them until finally I realized that beauty was not a thing that I  could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be. And what my mother meant when she said you can't eat beauty was that you can't rely on how you look to sustain you. What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and those around you. That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul. And so I hope my presence on your screens and in the magazines may lead you...on a similar journey. That you will feel the validation of your external beauty but also get the deeper business of being beautiful inside. There is no shade to that beauty."

I can remember when I couldn't look into the mirror at my own reflection...I just didn't like what I saw. I didn't think I was beautiful, pretty, attractive...none of those descriptive words resonated with me in any way. These feelings led me to make decisions that did nothing to uplift my thoughts or encourage any type of self-love.

It has taken many years and many changes in my life to get to a place where I can say that I am falling back in love with myself....just the way I am. So often we will say, I'll love myself when I lose this weight, when I get this man/woman, or when I get this job. But what about loving ourselves now...right here in the middle of all our imperfections. Can we do that?

Trust me, I know its a tall order. I didn't reach this space overnight, it has taken me a little over a decade to be able to genuinely say that I truly love and accept myself just as I am.  Once I started focusing on my positive qualities, my strengths, and abilities, I started letting go of my harsh self-criticism, comparing myself to others and self-hatred.

Here are some steps I took to get back to loving me:

1. Be Kind to yourself, or my favorite  Be Good to Yourself (BGTY) - Accept yourself shortcoming and all. And be aware of how you treat yourself, you are IMPORTANT!

2. Give yourself a break- No one is perfect! Don't set such high standards for yourself emotionally and mentally. Its normal to feel sadness and to hit some low points in life.

3. Embrace yourself - Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear and judgment? Learn to embrace the solitude and get comfortable in your own skin. 

4. Be Grateful - I cannot stress this enough! When you are grateful for the things that you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things increase. Whenever I am about to start my own personal pity party I look at all I have and how far I've made it...that always brings me back to being grateful.

5. Give yourself in service to others - The love you share with others in the form of service will help you feel more love and fulfillment in your life. 

The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature. It took a combination of meditation, therapy, writing and silence for me to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn't loving myself could I attempt to change that.

Falling in love with yourself is a beautiful experience. It's learning to laugh at your awkward tendencies and smile at all your quirky little habits. It's learning to be grateful for the many sides you have -- confident, crazy, shy, sexy, nerdy, angry, weird, and all the rest of them. It is realizing that you're one of a kind - there's only one YOU - and that you deserve to give the world the best person you can be. Falling in love with yourself is being happy in your life and knowing that in this one moment in time, you're beautiful simply because you are you.

"Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi

Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone

Being the naturally lazy creatures that we are -- always doing our best to make life more pleasurable (or rather, what we believe would make our lives more pleasurable) -- we prefer staying within our comfort zones. Leaving our comfort zone is unpleasant and comfort is easy to achieve most times. We all fear uncertainty, loss, pain, and so we seek to cushion ourselves against the rawness of life by spending our lives in artificial, climate- controlled boxes safe from unwanted intrusion.

Powerful forces conspire to keep you in your comfort zones, penned by fear. The system wants you to be compliant, following the rules of the group, be an acceptor rather than a creator. Fear of social judgment discourages you from trying anything with a risk of rejection or failure.

Unfortunately changing our habits is not easy -- for one simple reason: it's uncomfortable. No matter what your habits -- healthy, unhealthy, productive, destructive -- going against them will be uncomfortable. Most people don't give discomfort the credit it is due because most of us , if only subconsciously, do our best to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

The problem is that if you never feel discomfort then you clearly never leave your comfort zone. if you don't leave your comfort zone then you will never form the habits that you need to form in order to succeed. That's what it all comes down to: forming habits that will nurture and support your success. In order to change your life you must form new habits -- habits in all aspects of your life moving your comfort zone to new, unknown territory.

Think back to the most meaningful, amazing moments of your life. When you examine them you will find that they had you stepping out of your comfort zone. Trying something new and unfamiliar brings extra excitement and emotion to an event. These highs leave us with a greater sense of accomplishment and fulfillment than simply doing the same thing every day.

Ideas, concepts or goals alone are not enough to motivate us. They are ideas -- not living things that move and can affect. We can try to find outside sources of motivation, but unless you can hire a personal trainer and life coach to sit down with you every week, then you're basically on your own. But this is not something that should scare you.

You can become your greatest motivator, all that you need to do is talk to yourself. Yes, I know it sounds silly. And yes, if you talk to yourself out loud in public, then people may very well think that you are insane. But thankfully you can have full conversations with yourself inside your head. Most people underestimate the strength and importance of talking to oneself. Not only will talking to yourself keep you sane -- literally -- it also works as the greatest motivational system the world has ever seen.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Y Wait?

Most of us have certain ideas about how or when we'll start enjoying life more - after I get this job, when I get married, or after I lose that last 10 pounds- which actually keeps us unhappy.  Not all of these misconceptions are about the future either. Thinking that if we had behaved differently in the past, we'd be more content now is equally as damaging. My old definition of joy always seemed to place it in the future.
Its sad to look back at all the time I wasted waiting for joy, instead of waking up to the fact that it's all around me.It's really easy to fixate on something and think that you can't be happy without it, but it's just not true. In fact you're holding off on joy until something you want shows up, you could be missing out for no real reason.

We all have the power to decide to be joyful right now. I'm not saying it's what we were taught or that we don't have the habit of being cranky or depressed based on what our day looks like, but we have the power to do something about our mood. If our happiness depends on having what we want, we become too dependent on outside circumstances and how the world works. "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." ~ Deepak Chopra
I think most people want a happy life and go seeking "things" and "people" to make them happy, but the problem is that happiness does not come from things and people; it comes from inside.

Look forward by all means, be happy and excited about what lies ahead, but if you find on reflection that you are living so far ahead in the future and tying how you might feel to what you hope will happen then that you're missing out on the present, it might be time to stop and look around! You can be happy right now and you don't need anything for that to happen.

Once you begin believing that what you have been asking for is on it's way, no questions asked, it's far easier to focus on what's already making you happy. So the next time you find yourself thinking 'if only', or as 'as soon as', you can change it to God is for me and everything is working out in my favor. Because really, it is.

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned...so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
~ Joseph Campbell

No Regrets, Only Lessons Learned

I can remember with painful clarity some of the most mortifying mistakes I've ever made in my life. There was my first real solo in the children's choir at my church when I forgot all the words; the colossal error of trying to steal some candy from the corner store that my mother denied me, knowing full well she had eyes in the back of her head; the time I tripped UP some stairs in front of my crush and busted my lip wide open. I could go on for days!

Everyone's felt it, that forehead-smacking frustration that comes with failing, or simply being flat-out wrong. To make things worse, these mistakes always tend to take center stage in our minds. To err may be human but most of us are still afraid to admit when we've been wrong, it feels like an "indictment of our self-worth." When we make a mistake, most of us fall into two categories: those who think, 'Forget it, I'll never be good at this,' then we try to forget it altogether; or those who view a mistake as wake up call, identifying what went wrong and then adjusting accordingly.

Fortunately, we can rewire our response to a mistake so that they aren't scary and anxiety-inducing. The key is self-compassion. We are so hard on ourselves as people. We do not give ourselves permission to accept mistakes and use them as a chance for growth. A setback can lead us to a better place if we just let it. I can testify to that; in my life every time I thought I had failed, it was really God just moving me to a new level of growth. All too often when we rely on our own minds, we resist or overlook opportunities to grow. So God has to get our attention. Failures are a very efficient way of doing that.

As 2014 picks up speed can we draft a joint resolution to drop the expectation that we must all be perfect friends, spouses, employees with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and have our own organic garden, eat gluten free, at the same time that we run corporations, stand on our heads while playing the piano with our feet?

Not possible right? So let's drop it maybe?

Let's just anticipate that we will disappoint ourselves somehow this year. Go ahead and let it happen. You will survive, I promise! We can blow it all catastrophically, and thankfully start over. This is what we must all learn to do, for this is how maps get charted, by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising discoveries that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you for showing the way, for beating brave new paths out of your crazy mistakes.

Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, never EVER give up! Do not stop!

Map your own life, and live it without regrets.

BGTY

Maintaining My Happy

Happiness is your original nature. before you begin to identify with anything--your race, your nationality, your social status, even your body--it is the first thing you experience. Genuine happiness is being committed to your true nature. The more you know yourself---what you love, what you dislike, what inspires you, what makes you who you are--the happier you will be. What I have come to realize and unfortunately have lived is that when you forget who you are and WHOSE you are, something crazy happens, you start to search for happiness everywhere.

Happiness is what you experience when you truly accept yourself, when you relax and when you stop obsessiong about being a size zero, about why he/she hasn't called and about what I should be doing with my life (my personal favorite).  You must accept that the happiness you hope to achieve--after you find your true partner, get the dream job, buy the ideal home and earn the right money---is already in you. Happiness is the natural state of your soul. It is not something you achieve; it is something you accept. 

I have been faking my happiness for awhile now, thinking that at some point my reality would catch up with the fantasy life I created. Slowly but surely I have started walking in my happy. I'm not 100% everyday, all day, but I am happy because I've decided to be. Yup, I have decided that I am tired of being unhappy and living this exhausting double life. So for the last few weeks I have been reflecting on what helps me maintain my happy. Here are the top 3: 

#1  Mi familia! I truly have the best family in the world, their love for me is above and beyond anything I could have dreamed. They have dragged me kicking and screaming sometimes through life and I can't thank each one of them enough.

#2 Sharing my gifts with others: whether it's singing, being a listening ear, helping someone edit a letter or a paper, organizing an event or throwing a meal together that I know others will enjoy.

#3 My True Friends: You know who you are, the family I got to choose. They have saved me from myself countless times. 

Happiness is a journey not a destination and I am embracing every ounce of it starting with today. 

This is one of my favorite quotes:

"True happiness is to enjoy the present without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not." ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Let me end with a line from a song I fell back in love with this year: Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul.

Back to Basics for 2014

It's that time of year again when we all make lofty promises to ourselves including how we plan on finally sticking to our exercise and diet regimen we abandoned somewhere around Febuary. I can't front that used to be my MO for as long as I can remember.

But not this year...I honestly didn't think I would survive 2013, and I know we got a few more days left until the end so lemme go knock on some wood, lol. But seriously, I've let fear and worry cripple me for most of my adult life. I think it started way back at the end of my senior year in college, when I received my first rejection letter, ever, to one of the law schools I applied to. Up until then in my life whatever I applied myself to always worked out without any real effort on my part. High school, college, part time jobs, I had never heard "no" before.  It hit me like a ton of bricks when I didn't get in anywhere. I didn't have a plan B, so I had to move back home and get a job until I figured out what my next move was going to be. 

Over the next year I studied my butt off, got a tutor for the LSAT and I finally got in to law school. I was so so ecstatic and then I started law school and quickly realized it was not for me. Again I was faced with the fact that I had no plan B. I had been preparing to be a lawyer since elementary school...and here I was walking away from the very thing that would make that possible. 

Let me insert here that I am of proud Jamaican heritage, which translates to mean, "Gal yah betta find yaself a job quick, quick!" in my family, lol. So I got a job, and another, and another until I found one that I could do really well. I worked hard and I was promoted through the ranks, but something was missing. You know how people always talk about their purpose in life, well I believe we all have one. And I knew I wasn't living mine but I didn't know how to fix it.

Year after year has passed and events have have occurred in my life that have stalled my progress many times. I would make pledges and promises to myself to change this and that every New Year and then lose focus 30 days in. As we approach 2014, many feel safe in hoping for a change. I know all too well that by the end of January, too many of us will be back to doing our same habits. And it's not because what we want is impossible...its because we don't have a strategy! (lightbulb moment)

Now don't get me wrong I have faith and believe that  God can do the impossible because He has done it over and over again. But, what am I doing to prepare for that breakthrough? It like I have been sitting around waiting for an email from God outlining what my next moves should be...crazy right? I will own up to it, but I can no longer let that be the way I handle things.

I have come to know that there are some key things to consider (thanks to Felicia Scott). :

1. Know Your Greater Mission-  One of the primary reasons we don't achieve our goals is because we don't know the greater "why" behind the "what we want to achieve."

2. Know Your Obstacles- Sometimes we act out of uneducated inspiration, so we don't know what it will take to reach our goals. We will stack the odds in our favor when we understand the potential challenges and obstacles ahead of time.

3. Know Yourself-  The biggest obstacle we will ever face when going for anything we want is "self." We can't afford to be ignorant about ourselves and who we really are at our core. We must know our motivators, our strengths and our weaknesses. If we actively self-manage, we've accomplished the hardest part of an endeavor. 

As 2013 comes to a close, I know for a fact that I blocked a lot of blessings that God tried to send my way. That will not be the case next year. I'm going to put this extremely analytical mind I was blessed with and begin self-reflecting on a daily basis to ensure I am not standing in this same place December 2014.

Be Good To Yourself (B.G.T.Y.)

One of my favorite quotes says: "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." I used to hear people say it all the time, Happiness is a choice, be happy, etc., and I used to say under my breath, easier said than done! But is it really? Over the last few months I have been doing some self-assessment which seems to occur around my birthday post turning 30. I looked at my present state in life, where I was, what I was doing, how far I've come, etc. After considering all those things I couldn't help but smile, because God has truly brought me a MIGHTY long way.

I can remember a time when I was constantly comparing myself to others or even to where I thought I should be at particular times in my life. Everyone makes deadlines, albeit sometimes unrealistic, we still make them. When I was in college I just knew I would have my law degree by 25, meet a fabulous man, get married, buy a nice house, and have some gorgeous kids! NONE of these deadlines have been met! LOL! My wise grandmother used to say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." I may not have met those deadlines, but my life has been a wonderful, wild rollercoaster of a ride. I wouldn't change anything that I have gone through, because each trial has taught me so much about myself and I've come to realize what a strong woman I have become.

 Growing up and up into my twenties I had huge self-esteem problems. Now I grew up in a loving home, my parents are still together and they affirmed me constantly on how beautiful and smart I was. But for some reason I thought I wasn’t worth much, because I didn’t look a certain way or have certain people or things in my life. I compared myself to others and I always found myself lacking. I used the way people treated me as a measurement of how I should treat myself. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom and realized that this way of thinking had caused me to go through some tough times that could have been avoided if I had known what I deserved and demanded it.

 These past few months since my birthday this year have easily been the happiest of my adult life. I have accepted the notion that you cannot be happy at your destination, if you can’t be happy on the journey, as my way of life. Every day I wake up thankful and grateful just for another day, another chance to get it right. You can ALWAYS find a reason not to be happy, but why would you want to when being happy is so much more fun than being sad. When you truly realize your self-worth and see how wonderfully made you are, I promise you won’t be able to stop smiling!
 Let me share a few things I picked up on my journey back to loving myself:

Never allow anyone or anything to diminish you and your dreams.

Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.

What God has for you, is for YOU. No one has the ability to stop you, but YOU!

You are where you are, at the time that you are for a reason. Don’t waste it by wishing to be somewhere else. 
You’re never in control of what they give you, but you’re ALWAYS in control of what you accept.

 Know your worth. Know when you have had enough. And move on from the people who keep ruining your happiness!

 Always remember to BGTY first, then everyone else. You can't love anyone truly if you don't love yourself!

Happily Single after 30

My 30th birthday has recently passed and I had an amazing time celebrating with friends and family. But amidst the congratulations and "Happy Birthdays" I got comments like, "Girl, when are you going to get married and have some kids," or "that clock has started ticking honey, time to start popping out some babies," or my favorite "Girl you have to stop being so picky, I have the perfect guy for you..." The list goes on and on! Instead of being viewed as a choice, "SINGLE" seems to denote a lack of options. Everyone seems to want to meddle in the life of a woman who refuses to settle; setting her up on endless dates with guys she has no interest in, calling her "desperate" or "lonely" or "too picky" or asking: "Whats wrong with her?" I would like to propose that the question we should be asking is: What's right with her? 

The way I see it, the solitude and bravery and uncertain path of the modern-day single woman is something to be applauded as bold and courageous and unique; not lauded as sad or pathetic and weak. Is it too much to ask that our community and society celebrate us and our choices? To encourage us to search for ourselves instead of making the search for a mate the central goal of our lives. I can remember in college meeting women whose prime focus was not their GPA or midterms or finals, it was getting a husband. Now maybe I was brought up differently, but I was so shocked by their responses. Thank God, times are a-changing, and with it a new generation of women are being raised up to dance to the beat of their own drum...even if it is only in their underwear around their rooms grooving to Beyonce's "Single Ladies."

Don't get me wrong, I know that REAL love is a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, and sacred thing, BUT until it arrives, shouldn't I allow myself to LIVE? I like being able to spend money on myself without asking anyone's permission. I like being able to make last minute plans without checking in with someone. I like taking myself out on a weekly date to the bookstore or the movies or the shoe store and spend time in my own company. And while I would love to eventually have someone join me on my journey, I refuse to be grounded if they don't.

There is a wisdom that is possessed that comes from surviving life, a confidence that comes from knowing I am not afraid to fall, because each time I fall, life presents me with another chance to get up and move up. A happy life is more important to me than a happy ending and I don't need a significant other to lead a significant life. 

I'm single, sassy, happy and proud that I have made it this far in my life. Through all the twists and turns and hills and valleys, I still love myself and I love who I am becoming each day. I can't wait to see what the next 30 years hold for me!!

The Real Thing In Stereo....

If you really know me, you know that I am a HUGE Jill Scott fan, her songs have basically been the soundtrack to my life. My highs, my lows, she has been a constant presence, encouraging me to Live My Life Like Its Golden, reminding me I'm So Blessed, encouraging me to take A Long Walk, Slowly and Surely, and that I need to be The Real Thing and Let It Be...I could go on and on. Let me not forget Womanifesto....no words for that one....google it if you don't know!!!

I'm an undercover introvert and a fake social butterfly. Most people that have encountered me have no clue who I really am. I have REAL issues trusting people, male and female the same. If I haven't known you for over 10 years, just assume that you don't know the REAL me. I am a complicated melody that you may have a hard time learning, but once you do I will become your favorite song. I have so many layers, like an onion. Don't worry I am not gonna peel each layer back in this first entry. I love to write, so I hope to stay committed to this blog...but these day me and commitment have not been exactly seeing eye to eye. But I need an outlet, one bigger than my old notebook that is jammed with poems, songs, stories....falling apart at the seams.

So this is the REAL thing in stereo, I got a little highs, I got a little lows, follow this melodic flow, I can make you shine, I can make you glow. Yea, I know another Jill line...but seriously this blog is gonna be all me, bare bones, stripped down to my birthday suit. Being this vulnerable is foreign to me, but I will try my very best!! No expectations, no regrets is the way I live my life these days....everything else is fracklenackle BS as one of my honorary big sisters reminds me on a weekly basis. Every day I am learning how to be a better me and I will try to give you a peek in on the lessons I learn.

I have to share Womanifesto with you....

I am not all the way there yet, but I am on my way and enjoying the ride. Whether I take the scenic or direct route, its gonna be a funny, wild, and exciting one, kinda like me! U ready?? Hold on!!