Stop Settling for Less, You Deserve More!

It's easy to convince ourselves that we should keep our expectations and standards low to avoid getting hurt or let down. Settling for less, denying ourselves, or putting things off for later is something we do far too often. We settle for less far more than most of us realize, on a daily basis.

We might think it's no big deal, or that we're just being humble or modest or that we're being a little lazy. Perhaps. But when we do it too often or with regard to things that matter too much (love life, physical health, self image, and more), the bottom line is that we don't think we deserve it. That we aren't worth the extra work. That we are being selfish, picky, or demanding if we elect to ask more of ourselves and FOR ourselves.

I've gone through waves of settling for less in my life that almost make me cringe to this day.(I say almost because I was doing the best I could at the time.) My worst (best?) example is my last relationship. That was settling in a BIG way. I was extremely unhappy, but figured that was life, or at least the life I deserved. Crazy right? I had not yet learned how to be true to my heart or be independent/self-reliant--but that's another story.

Of all the difficult experiences that individuals face in life, being alone can be among the hardest. Growing up, you probably weren't given good examples of how to be alone. It seems like everything you see in movies and TV and on the internet is about how to find the right partner and make it work. There’s nothing wrong with seeking love, because it’s beautiful and can bring about some of the most treasured moments in our lives. But very few people know how to be alone and do it well. They aren't happy to be alone. They fear it and seek love wherever they go. Too often the pleasure they find in falling in love is the sweet release of no longer being by themselves in the world.

I'll share another example. In my late 20s I was very overweight, isolated, depressed and totally out of touch with my needs, wants, and identity. I wore clothes that were more appropriate for someone much older and frumpier than me. Deep down, I thought that was all I deserved. That it didn't matter, that I didn't matter. I was a passive bystander in my own life. I had not yet realized that I had a choice about most everything in my world. 

It often feels easier to settle than to fight for what you want, but in the long run it’s much more work. To not fully express who you are and to deny yourself your birthright to choose to be happy and to have fun, is ultimately a draining and depressing influence on your life.

We slip into these patterns sometimes, but be aware of when you're consciously tempted to settle, to slide into “this is good enough” mode. Keep giving yourself the time and energy to be your best. Yes, it takes energy, and it takes faith, but ultimately the more you live with that energy and attitude, the more joy and energy it gives you back. You deserve and ARE better than that!

Pay attention to your thoughts and to that little sad feeling or twinge in your heart when you deny yourself things that matter to you. A thousand of those little stings add up to make an unfulfilled and lonelier life than any of us deserve when happiness and joy is right there for the taking. Don't put off your dreams for later. 

Remember, it’s not about a number or anything so rigid - be kind to yourself. It’s about how you feel. Be dead honest with yourself and your internal compass will steer you straight. Accept yourself and keep pushing yourself to be your best you WHILE loving yourself (no conditional love allowed: "I'll love me when I lose 20 pounds" - no, boo boo, that is not how it works). Find love in your heart for yourself as you are right now and you will find the inner strength and belief that can move mountains.

Now go do something nice for yourself, you deserve it! And as always Be Good to Yourself (BGTY)!

Mostly, you gain strength when you learn to listen to your own voice and live life on your own terms.” 

~Sara Eckel

Foreboding Joy

"Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience, and if we cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing for tragedy. When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding." When I heard Dr. Brene Brown say this on Oprah's Lifeclass I had an epiphany.

What we do in moments of joyfulness is we try to beat vulnerability to the punch, 'dress rehearse for tragedy.' This is my biggest character flaw, I tend to downplay anything good that happens to me because I am terrified that the other shoe is going to drop and this 'joy' will be be taken away. The second I start feeling joy, instead of relishing the blessings, I start analyzing the reasons why this joy won't last. It's like, by trying to imagine the worst case scenarios, I think I am going to protect myself from what I fear most. But vulnerability is not a weakness, in fact it can turn out to be our greatest strength. But instead of being vulnerable we put up emotional shields to protect ourselves.

Dress rehearsing for tragedy is imagining something bad is gonna happen when in reality, nothing is wrong. Dr. Brown also shared this: "How many of you have ever stood over your child while they're sleeping and thought, 'Oh my God I love you' --- and then pictured something horrific happening? Or woke up in the morning and thought, Oh my gosh, job's going great, parents are good....this can't last. Instead of using joy as a warning to practicing disaster, use it as a reminder to practice gratitude."

Truth is, it doesn't work. If we lose a loved one, get fired from our job or fall into financial distress, no dress rehearsal will protect you from the reality of loss and pain. And in the interim, you've missed your chance at real, uninhibited joy.

Truly joyful people do not allow fear to take away from fully experiencing joy. Instead of dress rehearsing for tragedy they say I am going to practice gratitude. Gratitude is a practice...it is tangible! Go get it!!

"To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in life that doesn't come with guarantees -- these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I'm learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace." 

~ Dr. Brene Brown

P.S. I have been writing this post for two weeks...glad that I am finally in the right space to post it. Thanks for reading!

Love the Skin You're In

During this award season the beautiful and talented Lupita Nyong'o has taken Hollywood by storm. She has won award after award for her profound performance in 12 Years A Slave. During the whirlwind of acceptance speeches she gave, one stuck out to me in particular and inspired me to write this post. At the 7th Annual Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon , she was honored with the Best Breakthrough Performance Award.

She said:

 "....my mother would say to me, 'You can't eat beauty. It doesn't feed you.' And these words plagued      and bothered me; I didn't really understand them until finally I realized that beauty was not a thing that I  could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be. And what my mother meant when she said you can't eat beauty was that you can't rely on how you look to sustain you. What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and those around you. That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul. And so I hope my presence on your screens and in the magazines may lead you...on a similar journey. That you will feel the validation of your external beauty but also get the deeper business of being beautiful inside. There is no shade to that beauty."

I can remember when I couldn't look into the mirror at my own reflection...I just didn't like what I saw. I didn't think I was beautiful, pretty, attractive...none of those descriptive words resonated with me in any way. These feelings led me to make decisions that did nothing to uplift my thoughts or encourage any type of self-love.

It has taken many years and many changes in my life to get to a place where I can say that I am falling back in love with myself....just the way I am. So often we will say, I'll love myself when I lose this weight, when I get this man/woman, or when I get this job. But what about loving ourselves now...right here in the middle of all our imperfections. Can we do that?

Trust me, I know its a tall order. I didn't reach this space overnight, it has taken me a little over a decade to be able to genuinely say that I truly love and accept myself just as I am.  Once I started focusing on my positive qualities, my strengths, and abilities, I started letting go of my harsh self-criticism, comparing myself to others and self-hatred.

Here are some steps I took to get back to loving me:

1. Be Kind to yourself, or my favorite  Be Good to Yourself (BGTY) - Accept yourself shortcoming and all. And be aware of how you treat yourself, you are IMPORTANT!

2. Give yourself a break- No one is perfect! Don't set such high standards for yourself emotionally and mentally. Its normal to feel sadness and to hit some low points in life.

3. Embrace yourself - Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear and judgment? Learn to embrace the solitude and get comfortable in your own skin. 

4. Be Grateful - I cannot stress this enough! When you are grateful for the things that you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things increase. Whenever I am about to start my own personal pity party I look at all I have and how far I've made it...that always brings me back to being grateful.

5. Give yourself in service to others - The love you share with others in the form of service will help you feel more love and fulfillment in your life. 

The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature. It took a combination of meditation, therapy, writing and silence for me to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn't loving myself could I attempt to change that.

Falling in love with yourself is a beautiful experience. It's learning to laugh at your awkward tendencies and smile at all your quirky little habits. It's learning to be grateful for the many sides you have -- confident, crazy, shy, sexy, nerdy, angry, weird, and all the rest of them. It is realizing that you're one of a kind - there's only one YOU - and that you deserve to give the world the best person you can be. Falling in love with yourself is being happy in your life and knowing that in this one moment in time, you're beautiful simply because you are you.

"Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi

Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone

Being the naturally lazy creatures that we are -- always doing our best to make life more pleasurable (or rather, what we believe would make our lives more pleasurable) -- we prefer staying within our comfort zones. Leaving our comfort zone is unpleasant and comfort is easy to achieve most times. We all fear uncertainty, loss, pain, and so we seek to cushion ourselves against the rawness of life by spending our lives in artificial, climate- controlled boxes safe from unwanted intrusion.

Powerful forces conspire to keep you in your comfort zones, penned by fear. The system wants you to be compliant, following the rules of the group, be an acceptor rather than a creator. Fear of social judgment discourages you from trying anything with a risk of rejection or failure.

Unfortunately changing our habits is not easy -- for one simple reason: it's uncomfortable. No matter what your habits -- healthy, unhealthy, productive, destructive -- going against them will be uncomfortable. Most people don't give discomfort the credit it is due because most of us , if only subconsciously, do our best to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

The problem is that if you never feel discomfort then you clearly never leave your comfort zone. if you don't leave your comfort zone then you will never form the habits that you need to form in order to succeed. That's what it all comes down to: forming habits that will nurture and support your success. In order to change your life you must form new habits -- habits in all aspects of your life moving your comfort zone to new, unknown territory.

Think back to the most meaningful, amazing moments of your life. When you examine them you will find that they had you stepping out of your comfort zone. Trying something new and unfamiliar brings extra excitement and emotion to an event. These highs leave us with a greater sense of accomplishment and fulfillment than simply doing the same thing every day.

Ideas, concepts or goals alone are not enough to motivate us. They are ideas -- not living things that move and can affect. We can try to find outside sources of motivation, but unless you can hire a personal trainer and life coach to sit down with you every week, then you're basically on your own. But this is not something that should scare you.

You can become your greatest motivator, all that you need to do is talk to yourself. Yes, I know it sounds silly. And yes, if you talk to yourself out loud in public, then people may very well think that you are insane. But thankfully you can have full conversations with yourself inside your head. Most people underestimate the strength and importance of talking to oneself. Not only will talking to yourself keep you sane -- literally -- it also works as the greatest motivational system the world has ever seen.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Y Wait?

Most of us have certain ideas about how or when we'll start enjoying life more - after I get this job, when I get married, or after I lose that last 10 pounds- which actually keeps us unhappy.  Not all of these misconceptions are about the future either. Thinking that if we had behaved differently in the past, we'd be more content now is equally as damaging. My old definition of joy always seemed to place it in the future.
Its sad to look back at all the time I wasted waiting for joy, instead of waking up to the fact that it's all around me.It's really easy to fixate on something and think that you can't be happy without it, but it's just not true. In fact you're holding off on joy until something you want shows up, you could be missing out for no real reason.

We all have the power to decide to be joyful right now. I'm not saying it's what we were taught or that we don't have the habit of being cranky or depressed based on what our day looks like, but we have the power to do something about our mood. If our happiness depends on having what we want, we become too dependent on outside circumstances and how the world works. "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." ~ Deepak Chopra
I think most people want a happy life and go seeking "things" and "people" to make them happy, but the problem is that happiness does not come from things and people; it comes from inside.

Look forward by all means, be happy and excited about what lies ahead, but if you find on reflection that you are living so far ahead in the future and tying how you might feel to what you hope will happen then that you're missing out on the present, it might be time to stop and look around! You can be happy right now and you don't need anything for that to happen.

Once you begin believing that what you have been asking for is on it's way, no questions asked, it's far easier to focus on what's already making you happy. So the next time you find yourself thinking 'if only', or as 'as soon as', you can change it to God is for me and everything is working out in my favor. Because really, it is.

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned...so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
~ Joseph Campbell

No Regrets, Only Lessons Learned

I can remember with painful clarity some of the most mortifying mistakes I've ever made in my life. There was my first real solo in the children's choir at my church when I forgot all the words; the colossal error of trying to steal some candy from the corner store that my mother denied me, knowing full well she had eyes in the back of her head; the time I tripped UP some stairs in front of my crush and busted my lip wide open. I could go on for days!

Everyone's felt it, that forehead-smacking frustration that comes with failing, or simply being flat-out wrong. To make things worse, these mistakes always tend to take center stage in our minds. To err may be human but most of us are still afraid to admit when we've been wrong, it feels like an "indictment of our self-worth." When we make a mistake, most of us fall into two categories: those who think, 'Forget it, I'll never be good at this,' then we try to forget it altogether; or those who view a mistake as wake up call, identifying what went wrong and then adjusting accordingly.

Fortunately, we can rewire our response to a mistake so that they aren't scary and anxiety-inducing. The key is self-compassion. We are so hard on ourselves as people. We do not give ourselves permission to accept mistakes and use them as a chance for growth. A setback can lead us to a better place if we just let it. I can testify to that; in my life every time I thought I had failed, it was really God just moving me to a new level of growth. All too often when we rely on our own minds, we resist or overlook opportunities to grow. So God has to get our attention. Failures are a very efficient way of doing that.

As 2014 picks up speed can we draft a joint resolution to drop the expectation that we must all be perfect friends, spouses, employees with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and have our own organic garden, eat gluten free, at the same time that we run corporations, stand on our heads while playing the piano with our feet?

Not possible right? So let's drop it maybe?

Let's just anticipate that we will disappoint ourselves somehow this year. Go ahead and let it happen. You will survive, I promise! We can blow it all catastrophically, and thankfully start over. This is what we must all learn to do, for this is how maps get charted, by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising discoveries that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you for showing the way, for beating brave new paths out of your crazy mistakes.

Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, never EVER give up! Do not stop!

Map your own life, and live it without regrets.

BGTY